If life on the planet ever seriously improves and people quit doing crazy things, we in the news business will, of course, be out of work.

To be quite honest, it does not appear there is need to worry about unemployment yet.

Yes, out of the headlines and various papers from across the nation, this is our own March installment of News Is Stranger Than Fiction …

• In Corpus Christi, Texas, a woman received a severed finger in the mail from an ex-boyfriend, along with the personalized note: “I guess this will be my last chance to touch you.”

• At an ATM depository in Bremerton, Wash., an 18-year-old pulled the wrong envelope from her pocket and accidentally deposited a bag of meth into her bank account.

• In India, after medical experts announced that drinking cow urine could be a possible cure for disease, retail outlets reported selling up to 1,300 gallons of cow urine a day and that demand for cow-urine facial creams, shampoos and cream rinses was far exceeding supply.

• Along snow-covered Ohio State Route 15 near Mansfield, Ohio, a 7,000-pound frankfurter swerved out of control and crashed into a snow bank. Fortunately, the two hot dogs driving the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile were not hurt.

• In Rochester, N.Y., a man explained to a judge that an odd chemical reaction from his restless leg syndrome medication increased his sexual desire and caused him to lower his trousers to oncoming women.

• To cut down on energy costs, officials at a crematorium in Manchester, England, announced it would begin heating the building by using the heat generated from the cremations to keep funeral mourners warm.

• In Kansas, the 23-year-old son of Gov. Kathleen Sebelius made news by peddling a board game titled “Don’t Drop the Soap!” a prison-themed game he created as part of a college class project.

• A man in Chaparral, N.M., trying to trace the outline of a loaded .357-caliber Magnum for a tattoo, accidentally shot himself. He was listed in fair condition.

• In Dodge County, Wis., at the advice of her boyfriend, a woman called 911 to report she was a drunk driver and should be arrested. She gave police her name, location, make of vehicle and estimated time of arrival home. Deputies were waiting for her when she got there.

• Angered that he enjoyed jazz but station managers gave him the easy-listening shift, a 24-year-old volunteer deejay at a community radio station in Austin, Texas, announced he had finally had enough and set the station on fire.

• In Salt Lake City, a narcotics dealer sending a text message on his cell phone — “I have 10 Lortab to sell” – hit the wrong number on his phone’s contact list and accidentally sent it to the Salt Lake City police department. They gladly followed up on his tip.

• At Northwestern University in Evanston, a violence-prevention official at the school demanded an apology be placed in the Daily Northwestern newspaper after it ran a cartoon of an angry stick figure with a quote bubble that read, “I like my women like I like my cell phone minutes: unlimited and on weekends.”

• In St. Augustine, Fla., a 46-year-old woman was charged with child abuse and a seatbelt violation when she strapped in her 24-pack of Busch beer but left a 16-month-old toddler unrestrained in back.

• A columnist for the Texas Tech student newspaper wrote a column on plagiarism but was fired when an investigation revealed he had plagiarized it.

Finally, just to show how crazy life can be today, perhaps literally …

• In Lizella, Ga., a couple named their newborn child, Leonidas Urias Nikkos Angelus Thanos Ianos Choate. It was so the child could have the initials L.U.N.A.T.I.C.