NewsTuesday, August 28, 2007 5:55 PM CDT

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Counselors offer advice for helping kids after trauma

By Sharon K. Wolfe
swolfe@pantagraph.com

BLOOMINGTON – Whether it’s a bully scaring a child or guns in schools or anything else traumatic, there is a tried and true way for parents and other adults to help children.

Julia Bozarth calls it the trauma triangle, and it makes no difference what the trauma is. Bozarth is a licensed clinical professional counselor with Collaborative Solutions Institute, 200 W. Front St., which specializes in violence prevention and intervention.

“The parent’s response is almost as important as the event itself,” said Bozarth on Tuesday, after six guns were found at Pontiac Township High School and three students were arrested after a lockdown.

• No. 1 is really listening to your child about the situation, repeating what they said to you in their own words instead of adult terms.

“Neither catastrophize it or downplay it,” she said, adding it is vital to affirm their feelings, as in “OK, Jamie, you’re absolutely right.”

• No. 2 is making sure a child knows he is not alone. Tell him, “’We are going to help you through this.’ And let them know you are with them for the long haul.”

• No. 3 is to instill hope. “This is not false hope,” Bozarth said. Don’t make promises that cannot be kept in situations outside the parent’s control, she said. Instead, say “I promise this is going to be taken seri-ously. It will take time. It will get better.”

In her practice, Bozarth said, a parent will talk about something horrible that has happened to her child and say repeatedly, “My child is never going to get over this.”

“That takes away hope,” she said.

Adults need to ask open-ended questions, said Chris Stanek, coordinator of early intervention services at Chestnut Health Systems, 1003 Martin Luther King Drive. Don’t ask, “Does this worry you?” Stanek said. “Kids really pick up on those things really quickly” and may start thinking they should be worried. Instead, ask how they are feeling.

“It’s not about getting over it — it’s about finding a way to live with it,” Bozarth said.

Ask the child for suggestions: “What do you think we could do?” to help in future situations, Bozarth said. It is vital the child has trusted adults they can confide in immediately if they feel something might be wrong.

Hugs matter, too, Bozarth said. Hug your child and tell him, “Do you know how much I love you?”

Adults need to behave like adults and choose their words and actions carefully around their children. Adults should not vent their feelings about a situation such as guns in schools the way they would talk in front of another adult. Coping is not about “getting back at evil people. We can’t breed more anger and rage to control rage and anger,” Bozarth said.

“Our children are remarkably resilient,” she said.

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