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'Dear Abby' says she's for gay marriage
By Lisa Leff
Associated Press
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SAN FRANCISCO -- For years, rumblings have surfaced on the Internet, conjecture about her casual references to "sexual orientation" and "respect." Now, Dear Abby is ready to say it flatly: She supports same-sex marriage.

"I believe if two people want to commit to each other, God bless 'em," the syndicated advice columnist told The Associated Press. "That is the highest form of commitment, for heaven's sake."

What Jeanne Phillips, aka Abigail Van Buren, finds offensive and misguided are homophobic jokes, phrases like "That's so gay," and parents who reject or try to reform their children when they come out of the closet.

Her views are the reason she's being honored this week by Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, a national advocacy group that provides support for gay people and their families. The original Abby, Phillips' 89-year-old mother, Pauline, helped put PFLAG on the map in 1984 when she first referred a distraught parent to the organization.

Jeanne Phillips, who formally took over the column when her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease five years ago, has continued plugging the group, as well as its affiliate for parents with children who identify as transgender, and a suicide hot line aimed at gay teenagers.

"I'm trying to tell kids if they are gay, it's OK to be gay. I've tried to tell families if they have a gay family member to accept them and love them as they always have," she said Friday.

PFLAG director Jody Huckaby said Abby is the perfect choice for the first "Straight for Equality" award, part of the group's new campaign to engage more heterosexuals as allies.

"She is such a mainstream voice," Huckaby said. "If Dear Abby is talking about it, it gives other people permission to talk about it."

Alert "Dear Abby" readers may have noticed that the youthful attitude Phillips promised to bring to the column includes a decidedly gay-friendly take on most matters.

In a March 2005 column that touched a nerve with some readers, for instance, Phillips came down unequivocally on the side of scientists who say sexual orientation is a matter of genetics, not personal choice. She advised a mother who had cautioned her 14-year-old daughter to keep her feelings for other girls secret to "come to terms with your own feelings about homosexuality."

Last year, addressing a groom whose gay brother refused to serve as best man or even attend the wedding because he did not have the right to marry, she made it clear her sympathies lay with the boycotting brother.

"Accepting the status quo is not always the best thing to do," she wrote. "Women were once considered chattel, and slavery was regarded as sanctioned in the Bible. However, western society grew to recognize that neither was just. Canada, Belgium, the Netherlands and Spain have recognized gay marriage, and one day, perhaps, our country will, too."

Phillips, who lives in Los Angeles, said she isn't worried that aligning herself with gay rights advocates will cause newspapers to censor or cancel the column, which appears in about 1,400 newspapers.

Her outspokenness on gay rights issues has never caused a strong backlash, said Kathie Kerr, a spokeswoman for Universal Press Syndicate, which distributes the column. It's possible some editors choose not to run the segments dealing with homosexuality, but if so they have not complained to the syndicate, Kerr said.

"We get brouhahas all the time, and they haven't been about Dear Abby," Kerr said.

Phillips realizes not everyone agrees with her on gay rights; she and her husband "argue about this continually," she said. He thinks civil unions and domestic partnerships "would be less threatening to people who feel marriage is just a religious rite." She thinks anything less than full marriage amounts to second-class citizenship.

"If gay Americans are not allowed to get married and have all the benefits that American citizens are entitled to by the Bill of Rights, they should get one hell of a tax break. That is my opinion," said Phillips, who speaks with the no-nonsense tone of someone who is used to settling debates.

Right now, Abby, as Phillips prefers to be called, is working on a reply to a woman who wanted to know whether she should include childhood photographs of her transgender brother-in-law in a family album. The woman is worried what she will tell her children when they see pictures of their uncle as a little girl.

Phillips' guidance to Worried Reader will be simple, she said: Include the photos, of course. Silence is the enemy. Answer any questions the kids have honestly - Uncle John was born with a body of the wrong sex, so even when he was called Jane he was really John inside.

Phillips said that while it might be tempting to devote an entire column to why she thinks jokes invoking homosexual slurs are in poor taste, she does not plan to spell out her views on gay marriage in print any more directly than she has already.

"If they are my readers, they know how I feel on the subject," she said. "I don't think I'm a flaming radical. I'm for civility in life. I'm for treating each other with respect, trying to do the best you can."

Take a look
Author Jeane Phillips, the daughter of the original advice columnist Dear Abby poses for a photo in Los Angeles, Friday, Oct. 5, 2007. Dear Abby is publicly declaring her support for same-sex marriage next week in Washington, DC. She has hinted at this in past columns, but plans to step it up in the future. (AP Photo/Damian Dovarganes)
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Reader comments on this story - 61 total

Note: All views and opinions expressed in reader comments are solely those of the individual submitting the comment, and not those of the Pantagraph or its staff.

To "Honestly" wrote on Oct 12, 2007 3:50 PM:

" Thank you for your post! I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! I needed that! "

Lizzy wrote on Oct 12, 2007 12:57 PM:

" Good for Dear Abby! "

TO ALL: wrote on Oct 11, 2007 5:58 PM:

" I'm a local business-owner looking for a few hired hands and you all obviously need jobs, so who will step up to fill out an application? There's work to be done! "

BN Democrat wrote on Oct 11, 2007 3:19 PM:

" To: Dear BN Bull Moose Party. Yes I agree you should study your history! But do not "cherry pick" which part you want to quote. Look at the whole history and in the context of the time it happened. Do not judge the Past by the Present. "

BN Democrat wrote on Oct 11, 2007 12:50 PM:

" DEAR ABBY is a good little Liberal Democrat. So as such you should allow her to spout any belief she wants. If she was a Republican we would crush her. "

BN Democat wrote on Oct 11, 2007 12:46 PM:

" Who is taking my name in vain? "

Dear: "BN BullMoose Party wrote on Oct 11, 2007 6:03 AM:" wrote on Oct 11, 2007 9:52 AM:

" Christians didn't just simply "defend" Europe against Muslims, they actively pursued them, hunted them and massacred thousands of them! Study your history! "

Go figure wrote on Oct 11, 2007 9:34 AM:

" Calling a gay relationship a "marriage" is just what one might expect from a woman named "Jeanne" who prefers to be called "Abby." "

to BN BullMoose Party wrote on Oct 11, 2007 8:50 AM:

" I tend to think that the Europeans would have fought off a foreign invading army regardless of the religions involved. "

BN BullMoose Party wrote on Oct 11, 2007 6:03 AM:

" To all the Christian haters- if Christians hadn't defended Europe against Muslim invasions numerous times, you'd all be Muslim now. And you would have had your hands cut off for writing a letter besmirching Allah. I don't care if you hate Christians, but you got to give them their props. "

RE: "momma of six boys wrote on Oct 10, 2007 5:09 PM:" wrote on Oct 11, 2007 3:16 AM:

" Abbigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) and Ann Landers (Dear Ann) are twin sisters. Each had their own fantastcially popular columns for many decades. Ann Landers died a few years back. Abby's daughter has taken over her mother's column. "

candy wrote on Oct 11, 2007 2:51 AM:

" I sure am not Gay, my hubby is all man, but I say if you are in love with someone of the same sex and the other feels the same about you, then you both are not right in the head. Just how I feel about it, so do what you feel is right for you. "

plaid braisley wrote on Oct 11, 2007 12:42 AM:

" to"momma of six" abby's sister ann is ann landers. abby wrote the column with her daughter for several years before retiring. the daughter's column is very much like her mother's was in terms of content and point of view, but i've always thought the later era was less witty and clever than the originals were. "

Garth Brooks said it best wrote on Oct 11, 2007 12:29 AM:

" in his hit song "We Shall Be Free". He sang: "...When we're free to love anyone we choose- when we're all free to worship from our own kind of pew..." "

If you are not gay wrote on Oct 11, 2007 12:13 AM:

" how does gay marriage impact your life? As a non-gay, it is none of my business on any level at all. "

It's absolutely no one's business wrote on Oct 11, 2007 12:00 AM:

" but I happen to be non-gay. So is my wife. Gay marriage has zero impact on my life, therefore I have no public opinion that counts. So I will sit this one out. "

is there no middle ground? wrote on Oct 10, 2007 11:08 PM:

" why must we be such extremists? it seems like most of the comments are from one extreme to the other ... i.e. Gays will burn in hell vs. let the lions eat the Christians ... ?! there are gay Christian people out there too ... i may not be able to quote specific verses, but I'm pretty sure the Bible teaches us to love everyone and to not judge each other. We are all sinners and I don't understand how people have an imaginary hierarchy of sins, i.e. what they do is fine, but what others do is an abomination. Unless your closets are skeleton free, maybe you shouldn't pass judgment ... it's God's place to judge, not yours. "

Teach Acceptance wrote on Oct 10, 2007 11:01 PM:

" I think most people are missing the point of the whole gay "marriage" issue. We do not want recognition for the religious reasons, as we know we will probably never see that. It is equality in regards to the legal rights that hetero couples take for granted. I want to know that if i go to the hospital and am incapacitated that my partner can make a decision on my behalf w/out going through all the red tape that power of attorney's provide. Getting that paperwork recognized by medical professionals takes time, and in a life & death situation - you may not have that time. By allowing civil unions (whether it be gay or straight couples) - you are granting those couples the same rights as straight married couples have now - this is not about religion - it is about civil equalities. "

Honestly.. wrote on Oct 10, 2007 10:14 PM:

" ..if it's legal to say "cool-Hwhip" instead of cool-whip, say "Warshington" instead of Washington, and drive only 40 mph on Veterans Pkwy when the limit is 45, then it should be legal for gays to get married..the former issues are much more appalling and sinful anyway.. "

to MJ wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:02 PM:

" Couldn't have said it better myself. I can't stand christians who feel the need to judge others because they have been told something is wrong. We are all sinners, and all have done something that someone else might not approve. Bravo to you! "

To Extreamists wrote on Oct 10, 2007 8:31 PM:

" I also believe such people as yourself who believe in a bunch of scientists who cannot come to a consensus as to how the world began is sorely misguided. So I guess you and I have something in common. Of course, I believe in a Supreme Being and you believe in a bunch of people. "

To: Better Than The Comics wrote on Oct 10, 2007 8:29 PM:

" Problems & Solutions pretty much stunk. Nothing like a forum to let people express their idiotic opinions and ides. Kinda like . . . . this. "

Not sure wrote on Oct 10, 2007 7:23 PM:

" I'm not sure why Christians are against gay marriage. Is it because God wanted men and women to go forth and propagate? What about men and women who marry and decide not to have children or are unable to have children? We don't interfere with that (except for perhaps disappointed potential grandparents). It isn't just for money issues that gay couples should be allowed to marry; acceptance for the person you are is important to anyone's well being whether single or married. "

Better than the comics wrote on Oct 10, 2007 7:18 PM:

" I like Dear Abby. It reminds me of a program that used to be on a local radio station-Problems & Solutions. "

All these Chrtistians wrote on Oct 10, 2007 5:50 PM:

" and not a single hungry lion to be found- what a damn shame! "

RE: "Blue Blood wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:31 AM:" wrote on Oct 10, 2007 5:47 PM:

" Man- I'm nominating you for the Nobel Peace Prize! "

momma of six boys wrote on Oct 10, 2007 5:09 PM:

" I could have sworn I read several years back that she(Abby) died and her sister Ann took over the column????Oh well I guess it really doesnt matter and I don't read the column any longer. "

Kdog wrote on Oct 10, 2007 4:21 PM:

" Against gay marriage? Don't have one. "

the Christians wrote on Oct 10, 2007 4:08 PM:

" can keep using thier faith as thier "crutch" while the rest of us stick to beer and dirty movies. homosexuals- get married, don't get married- do what you want! i won't judge you if you don't judge me! "

Pseudo Event wrote on Oct 10, 2007 3:52 PM:

" Before I judge on this issue I am going to wait for Sears to develop a stance. I only make my stances based on my favorite celebrities and corporations. Why do we care what Dear Abby thinks about gay marriage? Does this really serve any importance for anyone's decision-making process? I certainly hope not, for the sake of our own minds I hope we still are capable of thinking for ourselves. "

MJ wrote on Oct 10, 2007 3:51 PM:

" The true Christian does not hate gays or any other people for that matter. We are told to love all of God's creatures. Truth be told, we're all sinners in need of a savior. Christians are not perfect any more than any other group.....we just realize that we are sinners in need of a savior. That's why Jesus came to earth and died, to pay the price for our sins. Oh, we're not perfect....just forgiven. Love the sinner, but hate the sin. Peace be with you all. "

To: HATE wrote on Oct 10, 2007 3:35 PM:

" Fortunately for most of us, we can be concerned about more than one thing at a time! Isn't life grand? Feel free to join in. "

I started reading wrote on Oct 10, 2007 3:05 PM:

" after someone wrote in with a problem that was a plotline from the Simpsons, using Homer and Marge as names and saying that Homer bought Marge a bowling ball with his name on it and she started to fall for her bowling instructor while taking lessons. It was classic. "

BN Democrat wrote on Oct 10, 2007 3:02 PM:

" I strongly support gay marriage, because it it perfectly normal; it's the guys with more than one wife who are the perverts. Unless they are merely exercising their religioius freedom under Islamic law. "

HATE!!! wrote on Oct 10, 2007 2:47 PM:

" That's all I hear on these blogs... especially when it comes to homosexuality. People, people, people... our children are at risk in the community. Within the last several weeks I have heard story after story of preditors in THIS community going after OUR children! We need to be fighting THEM... not each other, and certainly not homosexuals. Let's fight for what's important... the safety of our families. In the grand scheme of things, is it really that important? We need to learn to pick our battles and I, for one, am more concerned about my children walking home from the school bus or playing in the front yard, than I am about the two gay men that live across the street. "

Good for You! wrote on Oct 10, 2007 2:40 PM:

" You go girl! "

Soap Box wrote on Oct 10, 2007 2:08 PM:

" Little bit off topic, but as it says in this forum and others that I have read, there are a lot of references to "two guys kissing" and that it disgusts them. Honestly, anyone kissing in public or on TV turns my stomach a bit. To whomever likes to see it (extrapolate whatever you want from that statment), THAT is a little disturbing. "

Christian wrote on Oct 10, 2007 1:30 PM:

" it figures. the world is going to hell fast "

Who Cares wrote on Oct 10, 2007 1:22 PM:

" I stopped reading her column years ago. "

Church Lady wrote on Oct 10, 2007 1:02 PM:

" Well isn't that special? "

Chicken Bone wrote on Oct 10, 2007 12:45 PM:

" She states that marriage is the highest form of commitment. To whom? I would hope to each other. So why the need for a legal document? You certainly don't need a hunk of sheepskin for commitment. Perhaps it is for legal standing and the MONEY issue? Like pension entitlements, survivorship, health insurance, inheritance, etc. Up till now my argument applied to both gays and straights. Time for gays to get off the hypocritical marriage bandwagon about their "love and commitment" to their "life partner". You don't need religious or governmental recognition to "love" someone. You do need it to participate in legal matters of money and property. Homosexuals of both types have been "loving" each other for hundreds of centuries and have not needed a license to do so. "

BN Democrat wrote on Oct 10, 2007 12:27 PM:

" I am so disgusted by the lack of separation between church and state in our government - if a gay/lesbian person wants to get married, who are we as an American (NOT Christian) society to tell them they cannot??? I am personally not a Christian, and wish that these "good" & "righteous" Christians would stop pushing their Bible thumping beliefs on everyone else!!! Leave Dear Abby alone, she has a right to her opinion, just as all Christians do, and remember - it's only an opinion. Don't read it if you don't want to know it! "

Harry wrote on Oct 10, 2007 12:23 PM:

" Who cares what she thinks. Her and Hollywood too. "

No surprise wrote on Oct 10, 2007 12:22 PM:

" This comes as no surprise. Those who read her column know that she supports fairness and equality for everyone. If this was the 1920s, she would have supported women wanting the right to vote. If this was the 1960s, she would have supported equal rights for African-Americans. You know...things conservatives have often been against. "

Gays wrote on Oct 10, 2007 12:16 PM:

" are fine, it's the Christians we need to get rid of. "

Bruce wrote on Oct 10, 2007 11:44 AM:

" Why have marriage at all? Why do we not just ban marriages and tell people they must apply for co-habitation rights. Marriage is based on religeous beliefs. We do not need religion to co-habitate. Change the laws to give co-habitation rights to property, health insurance, inheritance, taxes, and all the other benifits of marriage. Make it legal to co-habitate and leave the church out of it. No need for gay marriages then. "

??? wrote on Oct 10, 2007 11:40 AM:

" Uhhh how about who cares if gay people get married? It is not being forced on anyone. These religious nut jobs that want to run other peoples lives; according to some archaic. I can not believe this is even an issue anymore; what a petty little existence we have when we think we should run other peoples lives...It would be nice day if all these religious nut jobs would just walk off a high cliff. Then you and “God” can hate gay people from heaven. Yea watching two gay guys kiss grosses me out; but, I have no right to tell them they can not be married. "

Extreamists wrote on Oct 10, 2007 11:39 AM:

" Does anyone find it just a bit of a doouble standard that when Christians take the Bible literally, they are considered by many to be evangelicals or 'rightous,' while many poeple call Muslims who take the Koran literally are called extreamists and 'dangerous?' Now, I in now way am saying Muslim extreamists' harmful actions are good at all, in fact quite the opposite. However, I think that anyone who takes documents written thousands of years ago literally are sorely misguided. "

Conservative wrote on Oct 10, 2007 10:44 AM:

" Yeah, she is wrong! By the way, tonight, as per the Bible, I will have my father killed for working on the Sabbath, my mother for wearing cloths made of two kinds of fabric, and all football players for touching the skin of a dead pig. Get real, people. If you are going to take the Bible literally, then read the whole book and not jump on some bandwagon because you think you are holier than thou. "

Alphonse wrote on Oct 10, 2007 10:29 AM:

" It's always nice to hear about sensible and decent people who have some sort of influence on people. It's all part of the inexorable march towards civil rights. Either open your mind and get on board, or lose while clinging to an antiquated and bigoted belief system. "

to reality wrote on Oct 10, 2007 10:14 AM:

" You think gay couples don't have problems? Please!! I have several gay friends and they've had more relationships then I've had. "

Bless? wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:57 AM:

" Since Jeanne mentioned it......."God bless 'em". Sorry Jeanne. God loves them, but God surely can't bless them. It goes against his own words. "

to Concerned Citizen wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:46 AM:

" Personally, I turn to FoxNews and the Republicans in Washington for advice! "

FYI wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:46 AM:

" Now I remember why I quit reading her column...she lost her mind(and life). "

Blue Blood wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:31 AM:

" Wow. How dare she promote ideas like 'freedom for all.' We should be oppressing those we disagree with. It's almost like she still believes in the United States Constitution. So 1700's. "

reality wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:31 AM:

" reality is that this is life in the world today. You people who cannot see that there are same sex couples in this world are living in the 1940's. I am neither for or against them, but I also have a choice as to whether or not I want to read Dear Abby or any other article that may be against my beliefs. If you don't like the way she thinks and what she writes simply don't read it. I think you are all just looking for a reason to complain. Besides, the more same sex couples there are, the lower the divorce rate will be around here since they cannot legally get married. Besides, from what I see, the same sex couples are happier then us married couples. "

Who cares! wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:23 AM:

" Nothing like an article from the liberal left coast. Especially San Francisco! "

BN Republican wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:13 AM:

" For shame. "

Time to wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:11 AM:

" Stop reading dear abby. Next she will want to burn the bible. DOWN WITH ABBY !!!!!!! "

Mildred wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:10 AM:

" You can tell she's Abby's daughter- she has her mother's eyes (or should I say her mother's facelift) "

Concerned Citizen wrote on Oct 10, 2007 9:08 AM:

" I didn't even realize that column still existed..who'd be dumb enough in this day and age to ask a newspaper columnist for advice? That is so 1940's. "
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