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Single parenthood takes hard work, good attitude, good friends
By Bob Holliday
bholliday@pantagraph.com
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BLOOMINGTON -- It was about 6 p.m. mid-week and Kelli Stewart was seated at her kitchen table helping one child with his math homework and chatting with another about the child's dolls.

Stewart would soon fix a supper of scrambled eggs, sausage and French toast; an hour earlier she had picked up both children from day care after getting off work as a receptionist at State Farm Bank.

Son Levi, 8, a second-grader, and kindergartner Abigail, 6, keep the single mother busy.

After supper, there'd be time for video or computer games before the kids headed to bed at 8 p.m. That is when Stewart would have time to check her e-mail, clean house or do laundry.

Stewart is typically in bed by 10 p.m. and up by 5:30 a.m. to make sure her children get up by 6 a.m.

"I drop them off at school before I go to work," said Stewart, who repeats the routine daily. It's all part of being a single mom.

"I do alright, but there's moments when it's very frustrating," said Stewart, 28, of Bloomington.

Single mother Louisa Campbell, 30, of Ellsworth, who also has two kids, understands.

Both women are part of a growing trend of single parents in the United States.

Single-parent families make up about 9 percent of the population nowadays, up from about 5 percent in 1970. That's about 12.9 million one-parent families, including 10.4 million single-mother families and 2.5 million single-father families.

Campbell was part of this statistical trend even before she became a single mom because she was raised by a single mom.

"She did the best she could. She was honest, loving, compassionate, a hard worker and I was her world," Campbell said.

Campbell became a mother after she got pregnant by her high school sweetheart, later adopting another child. Stewart became a single parent from a divorce two years ago.

Both acknowledge single parenting is challenging.

"Everyone needs help sometimes, especially parenting. It is one of the world's most difficult, yet most rewarding, jobs," Campbell said.

Mendy Smith, who coordinates the Parents Care and Share program at the Children's Foundation, agreed it's important for single parents to have a good support system and a positive attitude. A good job with benefits also helps, she said.

Smith and Mary Ann Pullin, director of Horizons Counseling, a counseling service of The Baby Fold, also cautioned single parents to take care of themselves.

"Self-care takes on even greater significance for single parents because they do not have a partner to trade off parenting responsibilities," Pullin said. For some self-care may include daily exercise; others might prefer a bubble bath.

Both single mothers, meanwhile, credit religion with helping them through the challenges of being a single parent.

"My church family (at Crosswinds Community Church) is the best support system I could imagine," Stewart said. "Their love and support helped get me through a very difficult time in my life."

Still, Stewart realizes being a parent is ideally a two-person job.

"One of the things I miss the most is having someone else there to help, to take their turn getting up with a sick child...," said Stewart, the custodial parent.

The children's father has visitation every first and third weekends of the month. Stewart uses that time to "go out with friends, get grocery shopping done and sleep in."

Campbell also finds going it alone can be difficult.

"Sometimes I wish for someone to bounce my ideas and frustrations off of, and some adult conversation," said Campbell, whose daughters are 10 and 12.

Single fathers share those concerns.

Jim Bowers Jr. taps the support group Dads Helping Dads, run through the Children's Foundation, to help him be a father to his 8-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son.

"It's so important to have people out there to help you," he said. "The smartest thing I did was to surround myself with support."

Bowers said he is especially careful not to drag his children into his divorce.

"Love on them and let them know this (the divorce) is not their fault," he said.

Herb Reichelt, another single father, also credits Dads Helping Dads, which meets every Monday night, with providing vital support.

"We share what's working and bounce ideas off each other," said the Normal resident, who has a daughter, 14, and a son, 11.

Divorced last year, Reichelt doesn't have custody but still tries to stay active in his children's lives. "Being a father is more than writing a child support check," he said.

Henry Alexander, facilitator for Dads Helping Dads, echoed Reichelt's advice of staying active in children's lives not only for the children's sake but for the "growth and development of the father."

While the Dads group ministers to dads, GEMS (God Embracing Mothers who are Single) at Eastview Christian Church caters to single mothers. Nicki Green, director of involvement at Eastview, advises single mothers to "find a relationship with Christ."

GEMS, started earlier this year, meets every other Wednesday night. Some of the 60 or so who attend are members of the church and some are not, Green said.

Despite its challenges, Stewart said one thing makes parenting worthwhile.

That's when one of her children "jumps up on your lap and tells you they love you."



Tips



Recommendations for single parents:

• Maintain a good support system. This can be available through churches, support groups or friends.

• Remain active in your children's lives. This can include anything from sitting down to talk with them to going to their school events.

• Take care of yourself. This can include anything from carving out time for yourself to taking college classes.

• Maintain a positive mental attitude.

• Allow your children to be children and don't treat them as partners as this can rob them of their childhood.

• Don't bad-mouth the other parent in front of the children. This includes letting your children know that your single-parent status wasn't their fault.

• Try to maintain a good job with benefits.

SOURCES: Mary Ann Pullin and Mendy Smith

Take a look
Single mother Kelli Stewart holds hands with her children, Levi, 8, and Abigail, 6, as the family says grace before supper at their Bloomington home. Stewart is part of a growing trend of single parents in the U.S. (The Pantagraph/B MOSHER)
Levi and Abigail lick ice-cream off their spoons while mother, Kelli Stewart, makes peppermint shakes for an after-dinner treat at their Bloomington home. (The Pantagraph/B MOSHER)
Single mother Kelli Stewart gives assistance as Abigail, 6, plays a computer game at the family's home in Bloomington earlier this month. (The Pantagraph/B MOSHER)
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Reader comments on this story - 1 total

Note: All views and opinions expressed in reader comments are solely those of the individual submitting the comment, and not those of the Pantagraph or its staff.

coupie wrote on Apr 22, 2008 9:09 AM:

" Bravo to all the single parents out there. Dealing with one teen son (with my husband's help) is no walk in the park sometimes. He's a great kid too, but they all have their moments. I take my hat off to these men and women who face the challenge of raising their child (or children) alone. I cannot imagine raising my son without his father, yet people do it everyday. They instill in their child the lesson that you can overcome anything life throws at you, as long as you keep your priorities straight. God Bless all single parents. Their unconditional love for their children knows no boundaries. "
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