BLOOMINGTON - The recession is hurting more than paychecks and causing more than headaches. As more people lose their jobs and as the workplace survivors find their job responsibilities increasing, it isn't just those people who are hurting. | Gift ideas | Health Night info

Their spouses and significant others are feeling the pain as well. That can put a lot of strain on a relationship.

When one spouse is laid off or is working harder and longer, that may throw an already rocky marriage into the gravel pit and put a strong marriage to the test, said David Coleman, an author and professional speaker known as "The Dating Doctor."

"When you come home from work that evening and tell your spouse that you're without a job, with no income after two weeks, and you're not sure how you will pay your bills, the last thing on your mind is making love to each other," Coleman said.

But strong marriages can survive this recession.

"The attitude should be 'Let's do this together,'" Coleman said.

Coleman - whose books include "Date Smart! How to Stop Revolving and Start Evolving in Relationships" - spoke with The Pantagraph in advance of his appearance as the keynote speaker at the 11th Annual Women's Health Night

on Feb. 24 at the Interstate Center, Bloomington. He will discuss "Making Marriage Matter."

Coleman, who has won 11 national speaking awards, was booked for the health night because healthy, personal relationships - especially the relationship you have with your husband, wife or significant other - contributes a lot to your emotional health, explained Kathi Franklin, executive director of the Illinois Heart & Lung Foundation, which presents the health night.

Emotional health contributes greatly to physical and mental health, she said.

How can couples keep love and passion alive after one of them is laid off or as their jobs become more demanding?

For one thing, Coleman said, couples can appreciate that they have each other.

"If you have someone to get through the tough economic times with, you won't feel alone," he said.

"Before a couple sits down to discuss finances, I suggest that they sit down and make a list of ways that they can keep from taking each other for granted," said Coleman, who is from the Cincinnati area.

A husband and wife each have responsibilities and they assume the other person will handle certain things. Those responsibilities may have to be shifted with a job change or a change in work hours.

After discussing those family and household responsibilities, Coleman has several suggestions to keep the marriage fun and fresh, even when there's less money available:

Go on a date once a week

Find one night a week to do something socially as a couple. "It doesn't have to cost a lot of money," Coleman said.

See a movie at a theater (such as the Normal Theater) that charges less, he said.

Bundle up and go for a walk, rent a romantic movie and spend a quiet evening on the couch at home.

If you want to go out to eat, pick a non-expensive restaurant you both like.

"During these tough economic times, people are looking for simplicity," Coleman said.

Re-create an early date

Re-create one of your early dates. In those days, you didn't have much money anyway, so going to the same restaurant or doing the same thing (roller-skating, ice skating, going to the zoo or the park, going to a high school or college basketball game, etc.) won't cost much money.

"You will relive a simpler time," Coleman predicted. "You will bring back those wonderful feelings of euphoria."

Create a "Funsters" group

Ask about three other couples with whom you're friends to join you in forming a "Funsters" group, Coleman suggested.

Once a month, the group gets together and does something fun. Each month, a different couple organizes it.

The value of the group isn't just to have fun but to have a network of support to better enjoy the good times and to help through those rough times.

Having friends decreases the pressure on your wife or husband, who can't be responsible to provide you with all the support and honest assessments that you need, Coleman said.

"You have to have a good friend who you can have an honest discussion with," he said. "One sign of a good marriage is that you keep some independence of each other and maintain some friendships. One of the things that attracted you to each other in the first place was your independence and your strength."

"When times get tough, it isn't just 'I can get through this,' it's 'We can get through this.'"

Get healthy together

Most couples gain weight after their wedding, which contributes to a decrease in the frequency of sex, Coleman said. But starting a healthy eating and exercise program without your spouse makes it harder for you to succeed and could lead to resentment by your spouse.

Instead, prepare and eat healthy meals together and exercise together. The exercise could be as simple as a 30-minute walk most days of the week. You will be healthier, will have more energy, will feel better about yourself and will find your spouse more attractive.

Rekindle the flames

When physical passion wanes in a marriage, the relationship often weakens. Another risk is that either or both people may turn to pornography, excessive masturbation or an affair to meet their physical needs, Coleman said.

He suggests an honest discussion between the partners of what they can do for each other to rekindle the flames of passion.

"In the bedroom, men should realize that foreplay means more than four minutes," Coleman said. "Women want more pre-sex activity."

"Women need to realize that men are very visual. There's an old saying 'Men love a lady in the parlor and a freak behind the sheets.' A man likes it when a woman surprises him and takes control."

A healthy sex life contributes to a healthy marriage and family, he said.

"When children grow up watching a loving couple that appreciates each other - cuddling, talking, holding each other's hands, kissing - they are learning about healthy relationships."

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This Valentine's Day…

You can keep the romance alive on Valentine's Day, even if you have less money to spend this year. Here are a couple of ideas for guys from David Coleman, "The Dating Doctor":

Gift early

Give your sweetheart her gift on Feb. 13 and write "No one as special as you should have to wait another day." She will be pleasantly surprised and will appreciate the sentiment.

Think little gifts

Go to the dollar store and buy 14 (for Feb. 14) little gifts that say something about your sweetheart. Buy a candle for a romantic meal. Buy a book or magazine that she enjoys. Buy a snack or candy that she likes. Do you need a new can opener? Buy that too. Now wrap each gift individually. Put all the wrapped gifts in a big box and wrap that too. Both of you will have fun as she opens each gift and your total expenditure will be small.

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Dating tips

David Coleman doesn't just counsel married couples. His Web site, www.datingdoctor.com, includes how to meet someone, ways of letting others know that you're open to dating, ways to tell whether someone is interested in you, five tips for being a good date and rules of dating.

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Women's Health Night

When: 3 to 8 p.m. Feb. 24

Where: Interstate Center, 2301 W. Market St., Bloomington

Presented by: Illinois Heart & Lung Foundation

Cost: Free

Health fair: BioMeasure Adult Measuring System screenings by BroMenn Healthcare, Peripheral Vascular Disease Screenings by OSF St. Joseph Medical Center, exhibits by 90 vendors.

Talks: 3 p.m., infertility, by Dr. John C. Jarrett II; 4 p.m., lupus, by Dr. Genene Pettway Radden; 5 p.m., breast reconstruction surgery/cosmetic surgery by Dr. Laura C. Randolph and Dr. Chad Tattini; 6:15 p.m., smoking cessation by Dr. David Koh; 7 p.m., making marriage matter by David Coleman

Special presentation: 6 p.m. Gale Keeran Spirit of Success Award