In a rapid response to the recent events at Fort Hood, Texas, the government has announced the development of a prevention for similar incidents in the future.

Homeland Insecurity Secretary Napolitano is quoted as saying, “We were grieved to receive news of the tragic destruction of Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan’s professional career. We extend our formal apologies to his family for how they have been impacted. Last Thursday night, we pledged to put all of our resources to work to ensure that no other citizen ever experiences the feelings of helplessness and despair which has led to the loss of a great physician’s services. We pray for his ultimate return to health. Government resources will, of course, be given to Dr. Hasan to ensure his full re-integration into our society. Reparations will be made to his family in the event of his demise. We also give a shout out to all those other folks involved in the incident.”

Surgeon General Regina Benjamin, also present for the news conference, announced the development of the Vicarious Post Traumatic Stress Disorder — VPTSD1 — vaccine.

“We have conducted an extensive four-day trial. It was a controlled, double-blinded study conducted on 114 subjects — two ACORN volunteers from each of our 57 states. We are fairly well convinced that the new vaccine is reasonably safe and will work pretty darn good,” she said.

Meanwhile in New York City, the USS New York was christened. The president spent the day lobbying for health care reform on Capitol Hill.

Darrell Schapmire, Hopedale