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100114-blm-lif-flick-burglar

Florida's not-so-successful "sleeping burglar." 

It was 1930s humorist Will Rogers who once delivered the line, "All I know is what I read in the papers."

In the mid-20th century, he meant that to be humorous.

But in the 2000s?

Heck, with today’s amazing news, who needs humorists? Yes, thanks to the news services and the country's leading newspapers, this is your latest installment of News Is Stranger Than Fiction:

Seizing on the popularity and convenience of drive-through windows at places like banks and fast-food restaurants, a funeral home in Saginaw, Mich., announced it was launching "drive-through viewing," too, after an elderly woman could not make it inside the home to attend her husband’s services and the owner said he saw a growing need. 

In Panama City, Fla., a U.S. Congressman running for re-election drew criticism when, in an off-handed comment, he touted attending women's lingerie parties as one way to show how he supports women.

Along an expressway in San Diego, a semitrailer truck hauling fruit overturned and spilled 30,000 oranges onto the highway. As one trucker radioed back, "O.J. is all over the California highways again."

In Davenport, Iowa, hailing the state's same-sex marriage law, a 91-year-old lesbian and her 90-year-old lesbian partner married, after 76 years of "dating."

At a home in Nokomis, Fla., after breaking in, collecting its jewels and placing them in a pillow case, a 29-year-old man sat on a bed and fell asleep so soundly, when a cleaning lady later spotted him on the bed and called police, he continued to sleep, even as police arrived and took pictures of him. (Attached here is one of the photos.)

In Two Rivers, Wis., a 37-year-old man who slipped a disc in his back had five orgasms on the drive to the hospital and another 95 orgasms before the end of the day and was diagnosed with a rare condition known as Persistent Genital Arousal Syndrome and the man said it was not pleasant. "When you're on your knees at your father's funeral beside his casket, saying goodbye to him," said Dale Decker, "and you have nine orgasms right there while your whole family is standing behind you, it is not good."

At a high school in suburban Baltimore, a lawn-mowing grounds crew misread orders and successfully mowed the school’s football field, even if it was artificial turf.

In California, taking advantage of new laws, a gourmet pizza kitchen began making an all-new kind of combo pizza -- one infused with marijuana for medical marijuana patients. Boasting the “strongest medicated pizzas" made anywhere, the company also sells marijuana-infused brownies and candy bars.

In Vernal, Utah, angered that her boyfriend had ended their relationship, a woman identified by police as Cameo Adawn Crispi, 32, texted him with "a barrage of messages" while he was out of town and announced she was in his home, had turned on the burners on his stove, placed hot coals on the floor around it and left a pound of bacon sizzling on his stove. After he then called police, smoke was found billowing out the front door when firefighters arrived. After the woman was charged with arson, investigators began calling it “the Crispi bacon case."

Finally, our own personal favorite:

In St. Petersburg, Fla., a group of young teenagers who were going around and, as a prank, opening car doors and leaving them open, were apparently in such a hurry, they did not notice the last car door they opened -- before their arrest -- was a police car. The police officer was still in it, too.

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